Ventilation.

Well, I havent felt this way in a long time, its been months. I thought that maybe I had gotten over it, of course that wasnt true, I mean how could it be true. Im just telling myself that Hey, Its ok, none of this even matters! Thats a lie. Of course it matters, you freakin' love the girl. Shes all you think about. You care about her. You always want to be with her. It just seems like feeling this way is a waste. But I cant really bring myself to honestly think that. I just wish that I knew how this would all turn out, but at the same time I dont. I need to know if waiting for this is worth it. I also know that no matter what, the wait is more than worth it; even if its ends up being for nothing. Its funny how your thinking can change as time goes on. I remember when I first started to like her, haha silly freshman. But as a year passed, I looked at the situation differently. This was real, all of it. I had to think about what I was doing; waiting for. I knew I had to, but for what reason, I wasnt sure. As another year passed I started again to look at the situation in a different light. I though about all she had done for me. I remember when I had little to no self respect. Just being around her made me look at myself and the things I was doing and thinking change dramatically. She is more to me than a friend or just some "crush". She is a role model. I know that may sound silly, but in all honesty I think that If I had never
known Laura, I would have been a very, very different person, mentally and spiritually. She is a friend I can always talk to, no necissarily about this kind of stuff, but about other things, and that makes me so happy. You have no idea. I know I have done some really dumb things in the past, haha, like really dumb. I let things things stick to me, and bring me down. I think to myself that I just need to be alone and detach myself from my emotions. This may work for a week or maybe even a month. It comes back to bite me in the butt. All those built up emotions hit me hard. And thats exactly what happened yesterday. I had supressed any feeling at all for a long time. Then yesterday I didnt even want to move. I came home from school and sat in a chair and fell asleep for a few hours. Then woke up and watched tv for like three hours, and I rarely watch tv at all. She was on my mind all day. I havent been with her in so long. I just want to see her. That would be amazing. I can call her, but when I call I feel like iam just annoying her, or just wasting her time. I know she says that "I would tell you if I didnt want to talk.." I belive her, but its just a sub-consious thought. She is so busy all th time. Thats a good thing! For me though, time flies by so fast. Amazingly its been three years since I met her. And the years seem to pass faster and faster. Before I know it I will be a Freshman in College. I just wish there was more time, time for me to see her. I remember one time, I told her She was different than all the other girls out there. haha. I dont think I knew what I was talking about. But now, I know. I pray about this sometimes. Hoping that maybe there was a purpose for all this. I think I finnaly I have figured out why..

Ack. I have so much more to write. But its time for lunch.. I hate school food. haha.